Happy End Of The World Day!

 

If the world had ended today I'd have no worries. Everyone I love knows I love them, I've lead an interesting life and I'm happy. But it didn't and life will go on.

 

Tonight I am going to dinner with my friends for X-mas slash HAPPY END OF THE WORLD DAY!

 

XJigsawX

Silent Hill: Revelation

(2012)

 

After wanting to watch this movie since I saw an advert for it on TV all my plans to see it kept falling through and I finally got to go see it with a friend this week ands boy oh boy it wasn't worth the wait. The first movie was a little.. ehh.. but at least it had creepy and some scary bits when the air raid siren sounded and the world changed into this dark and horrid place filled with strange monsters, this squeal felt like mush compared to it.

 

Now I've never played any of the early games only Silent Hill 4: The Room which doesn't really have much to do with the other three to my understanding and seen my partner play Silent Hill: Homecoming which is an American telling of the series so I really don't know how fans of the franchise view the movies, how much they differ from the games. Well I know the obvious like the whole little girl thing is shite.. I think....

 

But anyway on to the movie review.. spoilers as always but hey, used to that now right?

Movie pretty much starts with our main girl who is a teen Sharon from the first movie who is very much designed to look like Heather from Silent Hill 3 and even takes on the same fake name later on.

 

I think stuff like that is a pretty good touch to movies based on games/novels makes it more cannon in sometimes an otherwise off the rails retelling/live action version.

 

So it starts off with a dream, she is in a fucked up fairground with fire and giant evil clown faces but you still can't help but think a fairground in the dark with all the lights is still pretty, hell or not. She is being chased by cloaked men wearing gas masks and she hides behind a small stall of dying goldfish and we see another obvious hint towards the SH franchise.

 

Robbie The Rabbit

 

Who is the mascot for the games franchise. You think that's pretty clever and also a good touch but you end up seeing it EVERYWHERE in the movie so it loses its 'ooh!' factor but still neat. She is spotted and makes a dash for it to a carousal that is powered by a more hefty Pyramid head then I remember, she's on it with him and the horses turn into bondage clad naked ladies who if I remember are gagged.. more fetish then SH style.

 

Then she wakes from the dream and her father comforts her and tells her it was all a dream.. then he gets killed..

 

That's right the movie starts off with a dream inside a dream, some classy shit right there.

 

So as we know from the last movie she was stuck in another world with her mother Rose but this is the fun part.. SHE FOUND A KEY TO GET HER OUT BUT ONLY ONE COULD DO IT SO SHE SAVED HER CHILD om nom nom can you taste the delicious cliche? I sure can, nice and bitter.

 

And she was fed lies about losing her memory saying she was in a car crash and her mother died all the while her father knowing the truth and promising to keep his child safe. The most corny and blagh worthy scene where Rose talks to him for the last time using the words 'My Love' no less then three times in a five minute piece of film, feeling it's really forced into there to make you feel bad for him..

 

Sigh..

 

So 'The Order' from Silent Hill want her to return there and keep drooping massive hints in the shape of horrid dreams every night and her seeing things from time to time but she tries to ignore them. Her dad is keeping her safe from the Order and they move around alot, cue angsty attitude fuled teenage hormones, thankfully she spends very little time in school.

 

She does meet hot goth kid straight from a TWILIGHT audition though who is very taken with her.

 

Some douche bag called Vincent in a very gay vest. I could not have cared less about him the whole way through.

 

So now we have a teenage boy who is very into a teenage girl.. I LOVE awkward teenage lover stories and drama smack bang in the middle of my fucking horror movies. It gets old fast and the movie is consumed with boring chatting between these two, very boring.

 

Stuff happens she gets framed for killing a guy while having one of her 'this is Silent hill' visions and is on the run from the cops and her dad has been kidnapped. Along with gay vest man they go to Silent Hill haza! something happens to him but I can't remember/care and she bumps into the creepy girls mother.

 

Gets told she's part of Alyssa[I think] and she was given a chance to live whatever blahblah then the world becomes the evil dark mushy one and she is told it's safer inside and she runs inside where a very awesome and well done Silent Hill scene.

 

She is in a room full of mannequins and she see's one breath and turn to her which makes her jump, we then see an ass naked woman on a medical table looking hopeless and tells her to run as from toes to head she becomes plasic and turns into a mannequin, another girl is trapped in clingfilm-ish webbing and Heather free's her.

 

Seems they were victims of this mother fucking creepy ass thing.

 

 

The way it moved and the noises it made were very creepy and fitting in with the sort of fear Silent Hill is good for giving. Or maybe I just fucking hate mannequins they give me the creeps anyway, gah. Sadly in their escape attempt Heathers new friend is captured.

 

Lots of running, puffing and panting and not much else happens as she explores this shitty gritty world.

 

Oh before gay vest man vanished... somehow.. I think gas masks or something yadda yadda.. he reveals he is the son of the woman who runs 'The Order' and was sent to get her and trick her back to Silent Hill but he then decided he fancied her instead and wanted to help her and that the other half of the Silent Hill key was with his crazy uncle who got locked in a nut house.

 

Yeah, it was as shit as it sounded.

 

So more running around Silent Hill as we have boring in between parts with Vincent and his mother who runs the order and all that.

 

She comes across one of the monsters we see in one and a common SH monster, man with arms across him  wodling in a very slow fashion towards her.

 

Do this is where I get foggy as I loose interest in and our of this movie.

 

She goes off to find where vest boys crazy uncle is cus he has the other half of that key thing she found that will in the end destroy Alyssa and all the nasty people trapped in Silent Hill will be saved, haza. She finds the uncle and he's blind and chained up, some boring exchanges are made and the other half of the key thing is inside him so he shoves into him and becomes a shit monster who just kidnaps her, this is short lived as she pulls it out of him and he explodes into ass.

 

This was so pointless and crap I have no idea why it was even here a good ten minutes or more of filler in an already boring movie.

 

 

 After this shit little exchange of nothingness she leaves and all the cells have people inside grabbing at her causing her to scream and what not but then we see the person we have all been waiting for, the man of the hour, Pyramid Head! who comes along with his non small hallway friendly sword and cuts off their arms, she manages to sneak away and sees where they are taking her heart throb, that guy she's only just met.. Vincent tied to a gurney and being carted away.

 

We then see in the room nurses, yes they brought back the nurses which are really cool looking and creepy even if their very ample cleavage is more of a distraction then anything else. They are drawn to sound and it seems these ones have been 'tamed' or at least the men in the masks are able to keep them at bay with stick like tazers. They planned to leave Vince with them but the two guards not being very careful come to a nasty end at the busty nurses who whenever they move or go to attack make orgasim sounds.

 

Yep.

 

So Vince is now left with nurses who react to his every move but hey Heather/Sharon is here to save the day and they get out fine.

 

The way the nurses move is really cool and again very Silent Hill and what the movie needed alot more of, large boobs or not they had a creepy air about them and looked like your normal SH nurse monsters.

 

(Also the thing on the x-ray sheets on the back? yeah thats the same monster who framed Heather for killing random guy at the start and also comes again later..)

 

So our two teenagers end up running around and they find the creepy carousel and she basically relives her dream even down to PH doing abit of slave labor. Soon Alyssa appears and confronts Heather and soon becomes her older form but dark. Alyssa is understandably annoyed that the part of her she wanted free and happy is back in Silent Hill and more then likely means her end.

 

They soon embrace in the most intense hug ever and some smack words float around and Heather beats her darker self and they become one, The carousal has gone down into the ground and there is her father being held by Vinces's mother who looks like she should be an elf in Lord Of The Rings. But turns out the mother was that monster from before and in the X-rays allll alllooong and goes to promptly kick Heather's ass now she defeated her dark self.

 

But before she can lay a finger on Heather Pyramid head bursts in and protects her, I guess cus now she and Alyssa are whole now that the place takes orders from her. So an epic battle between the two monsters happens and it's all rather flash and gory and Sean Bean gets saved by the kids and the run away.

 

Now with the day saved they can all leave and be happy! haza! but Sean Bean decides he wants to stay in Silent Hill and find his wife Rose and be with her, without that much attachment for her father Heather just kind of lets him and runs off with Vincenet and they leave Silent Hill.

 

 

 

As they hitch a ride from a trucker a prison bus with a police guard heads towards Silent hill which is the start of the game 'SILENT HILL: DOWNPOUR' which makes me expect that to also be the plot of a third movie..

 

So finally that review is over and we can all get on with our lives and forget this movie ever happened.

 

Scares: 2.5/5

Gore: 3/5

Acting: 4/5

Plot: 2/5

Overall Enjoyment: 2.5/5

 

XJigsawX

 

The Possession

So like a fly to shit a new horror movie came out and I decided I had to go and see it but hey I've seen DEVIL INSIDE so nothing can be so bad I loose faith in the genre.

 

I really wanted to see this as to me it felt very much like a 'Pandora's Box' style plot. An evil box that you open and nothing but unhappiness comes out? yeah sounds like Pandora's box to me. I don't know if this was the vibe the movie was going for or ir anyone else other then me felt that way but hey, maybe that's why I enjoyed it.

 

Oh and an evil singing box? alot like Jumanji also! This movie could have done with some Robbin Williams but everything is made better with the added comedy of that man and his gorilla chest. Anyway..

 

The review of the magical evil singing Jew box starts.

 

So there is this old lady who lives in something from a hoarders dream as there is crap everywhere, on her fireplace is a large wooden box which she seems to not like very much and to be honest the singing in an off tone would piss me off too.

 

It pisses her off so much that she grabs a hammer and is about to fuck it up when the evil box decides to pull some sweet invisible wrestling movies and power drives the old cow through a class table. Bitch don't go messing with no box's singing, mmkay?

 

We see our main family next a mother who looks like Julia Roberts plus 10 years and melting and a father who is super cool hip dad with his thick rimmed glasses who are dealing with a break up and a divorce which is outting stress on their youngest Emily and then their oldest who is just typical angsty I HATE YOU MOM pre teen. Yeah I remember no one elses names as no one else matters other then Emily.

 

So awesome dad has bought a new house and his two kids come to stay with him, they have a road trip and come across a yard sale of the son of the old woman who got the shit kicked out of her by a limbless box. The oldest reminds her father he needs plates and they stop.

 

Evil singing box decides to catch Emily's eye and she asks her dad for it. Now this is the most annoying and unrealistic thing about the whole movie.. $55 for some second hand plates, a  giant old ugly box and a hat? the fuck is he smoking paying that for some shit? I'd get some new plates for way less and save my kids soul from this shitty looking box.

 

Box means business

 

So now the girl has the box in her possesion she tries to open it but there is no way for the thing to be opened. $55 for a box that doesn't even fucking open? I'd go back to the guy who sold it to me and chuck it through his window.

 

Some how the girl is able to open it and inside is a small mirror on the lid and some cool little pots with bits and pieces inside which range from the most ghetto fab ring, a tooth and a toy or some sort and hey being an 8 year old or something a lost tooth and a blinging ring are just want you wanted!

 

She starts to complain that she doesn't feel very well, when her sister asks she simply replies 'I don't feel like myself..'

 

The movie goes from life with dad and his girls to his girls with the mother and their new douche bag dentist step father type person and how everyone is under the stress of this divorce and how it's messing up their kids lives, all that fun domestic shite.

 

Whenever with the box Emily starts to act odd, getting really over protective of the box, asking her dad on the phone how her box is doing, she doesn't want anyone to touch it..

 

Her dad ignores this until she starts acting really odd, eating really fast and stabbing him when he tries to take food off of her... man you do not get between a kid and her pancakes, your just asking for it really, if he'd lost his hand it would be his own fault.

 

One of the other odd things that happens is her reflection in the small box mirror which also gets the Dad worried about the box but nothing worries him more then when the house gets infected with loads of locus and Emily is just chilling in her room covered in them.

 

Emily starts to become withdrawn and abit of an asshole at school and when a boy takes her box she flips her shit, screams down the place and attacks the boy who took her box. Anyone who comes between Emily and her shiny new wooden best friend suffers a comical fate of being killed in a stupid way.

 

Dat hangover..

 

So dad takes the box off of her and chucks it away but by now there have been hints such as over eating, voice changing and general seeing fingers trying to come out her mouth that make you realise.. she's not the only one in her body and that spirt does not take kindly to take chucking the box away. The girl goes mental and powered by a super cranky old woman goes and finds her box.

 

So the dad realises this is wrong there is something messing with his child and he seeks help at the school he works at's history dept, finds out the box is evil anew Jewish and goes to some awesome Jew guy for help, the box is explained to be a holder for an evil spirit which is locked inside, he's given a book to help and get rid of the spirt.

 

So mother still thinks dad is crazy and takes her kid to the hospital and suddenly they notice something really...really creepy.. But don't worry now they believe the dad and Jew guy comes to save the day!

 

So replace Christian exorcism for Jewish one instead... and to me it just looks like the Jewish fella is humping the girl.. over and over.. very awkward..

 

And with some creepy and typical exorcism stuff the nasty evil Jewish lady is expelled from the little girl and hey the mother and father get back together and everything is happy! Yay!

 

Till the Jewish guy taking the evil box away is in a crash and the box is some how thrown so far from the car where anyone could pic it up..

 

Screaming squeal here.

 

So I liked it, best horror in the movies for awhile but still same old same old in the world of being possessed.

 

Acting: 2/5

Plot: 3/5

Gore: 2/5

Scares: 3/5

Overall enjoyment: 3.5/5

 

XJigsawX