Troll Hunter

Been meaning to see this movie for awhile now and managed to get it pretty cheap in the end [ I don't pay double figures for my movies..] and it's been sat in my TO WATCH pile along with another 40 movies for seems like forever.

So it seemed like the best choice to watch, as most other ones in my to watch collection are subbed or old and I didn't feel like putting that much effort into seeing anything last night. I know TROLL HUNTER is also a forgien movie but you can have it in English dub. Normally if there's a chance for something dubbed or subbed I will always pick the subbed version as sometimes allot can be lost but Troll Hunter's dub isn't that bad, sometimes it's obvious and the voice actors could use allot more.. energy and passion but not the worst. Next time I will watch it in subbed though cus I have a feeling the man who plays Han's is an awesome actor with a dull as fuck dubbed voice.

Anyway enough on the tech and pointing out what a lazy fartbag I am.

[2010]

Troll Hunter is a found footage type affair where a group of teenagers have a project to do and run around alot with shaky cam. I hate these kinds of movie, I really do, Clover Field gave me motion sickness for fucks sake but this one was good. If you too aren't a fan of having people run around with camera's like assholes I will tell you this, it's still well shot and not that 'shakey cam' though that makes no sense what so ever.

And the teenagers aren't annoying either.. which was the big shocker for me cus normally if it has a group of teens in it I will avoid it and not give two shites.

So three teenagers are making a project for college about the illegal bear poacher 'Hans' and they follow him around, ask him things just to be shot down and ignored. They soon follow the creepy old man into the woods where one of the teenagers is attacked by a large wild animal while hearing Han's yell TROLL.

Confused and injured Hans helps the kids get away which is very nice considering their shitty lime green crap waggon become a happy meal for a troll. Hans gets some what badgered into telling them the truth. He doesn't hunt bears he hunts Trolls, the kids find it very amusing but come along to one of his hunts.

They soon find out trolls are very real and this man does hunt them and kill them. Hans then lets them come along and video everything about troll hunting, the work he does and all about trolls while everything is still trying to be covered up by everyone else.

Hans allows them to film saying it's about time everyone knew the truth about trolls and what's going on. The movie goes into detail, such as how to avoid being killed by them which apparently means don't be a Christian.. It's never explained why trolls find those who believe in God so nommy but they have a scent [WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?]

It's well paced for something that has a 'documenraty' feel even when it starts off it's never boring, it's gentle but enough to keep you hooked until everything else is going on. I also love the not so subtle parts of the movie such as a troll living under the bridge and Hans putting three goats on the top as bait.. that was not lost on me at all.

Alot of you might not get that due to not being an old assbag like myself. 

Not alot to say about it other then it's rich with folk lore hints but in a very modern twist. 

Plot: 1/5

Scares: 0/5

Gore: 0/5

Acting: 3/5

Dub: 3/5

Overall enjoyment: 5/5

Love Jigsaw

xx

Horrors for 2014 - Part One

Bit slow on this I know but why not. Bored and feeling the crushing pressure to update my blog once a week. [I'm so cool] I decided to have a look at what joys 2014 holds...

The Purge: Anarchy

I never saw the first one but the concept was interesting to me but as a friend pointed out. Why does the movie have to focus on the people who can't wait to kill another fellow human being? allot of people would take to riots and stealing and hit a bank asap as opposed to going nuts on another person. I mean when London had all that trouble people were mostly just stealing.. Maybe America is just different. 

Looking forward to this movie? 1/5

-------------------

Devils Due

I dislike home footage/found footage movies, well most anyway and that's what this one is. Name sounds cheesy as fuck and it looks very... meh. Jump scares ahoy I think and not much else. It's like a pre The Omen or something... 

Looking forward to this movie? 1/5

-----------------

Oculus

Haunted mirror by the seems of things, another ghost story from the makers of Paranormal craptivity. It looks like another jump scare fest but with some sort of plot. Mirrors hold so many legends about taking souls, being a window into souls and what not so I do enjoy the creepiness that surrounds them.

Looking forward to seeing this: 2.3/5

-----------------

Zombeavers

Your not clever or funny.

NOPE

-----------------------------

Paranormal Activity: The marked ones

Never a massive fan but I can see they are creepy and they do make me jump but this seems to be a shitty turn for the movies. It seems all typical possession and going for some gory bits and some hella cliche bits... not impressed.

Looking forward to seeing this?: 0/5

------------------------

Stick around for more fun filled judgement!

Jigsaw

xxx

Antivrial

(2012)

Ugh.. watching Antiviral is like having sex with that one girl you have lusted after ever since you saw her just to get her home, have sex with her to find out she has a penis. That unhappy filthy and disappointed feeling you have wash over you and you can't even look at her again without cringing... Antiviral is my new 'Funny Games'

So aside from all that sexy mental imagery I just gave you'antivrial' as you can tell was.. poo. Like art student 'WHATS THE HIDDEN MEANING?' poo. Like poo poo.

Now the plot was fantastic and when I read it on the box I needed it in my life it sounded so fresh and new and a little mind fucky which horror has been lacking since like the first SAW so I bought it and settled down to watch what I thought was going to be awesome.

The plot is the world is so over obsessed with the world of the rich and famous that you can even buy the illnesses they have from a lab so you can feel closer to your target celeb. Would be cheaper and far easier if you really loved the slags from TOWIE a kebab and a pint will get you between their legs and infected with god knows what in one night of carelessness.

So people pay so much to get these viruses o feel what their favourite people feel. It's a gripping idea to think of people that obsessed with it that they want to do this to themselves but that's the madness of the media and what not.. again art student THE MEANING OF IT ALL but anyway. So this ugly as ass main guy who mumbles far too much for my liking and wished he came with subs is our main man.

(Funny enough no he doesn't live in his mothers basement)

He smuggles some viruses out in his body and sells them to a rival group. Oh this rival group also grows fake celeb meat that people can buy and eat and it's this horrid grey mush, so we have some cannibalism to be added to the plot.

He then gets sent to get a virus from this very hot very popular girl and he sneakily injects himself with it as it's brand new and no one has it. He then hears in the media that she has died and he is now infected with it and the rival group realises he has the 'Hannah' virus and basically steals his blood.

Alot of needle scenes a hell of allot of needle scenes and I really fucking hate needles so I think I watched about 1/4 of the movie that wasn't hiding behind my arm going 'IS IS OVER YET?!' yeah I am a massive wuss when it comes to needles.. I don't know what I expected to be honest.

(Arty!)

Classed as a horror but a horror it is not. Scenes of medical ickyness and possible cannibal scenes but not a horror. The only thing that was scary was the ginger main guy who looked about 12 and wearing one of his dads suits. I also have never seen someone eat and drink so much of the same sandwich an orange juice.. it was like the movie was sponsored by them or something..

It tried to be arty and gritty but lost any element of horror it ever could have had. Solely relying on it's lighting, closeups, art student faggery and the bases most people will cringe and be scared of needles. Yeah.... no.

That didn't sit in my horror collection  for more then a day let me assure you. Now it haunts the shelves of CEX.

Plot: 5/5

Scares: 0/5

Gore: 1.5/5

Acting: 1/5

Overall enjoyment: 0.5/5

Boring as hell.

XJigsawX

Blooded

Another Brit movie for you all to learn about! Now one thing I will get out of the way now is my personal feelings about the subject of this movie. It's about the banning of fox hunting here in the UK and how it did start alot of fights and there were as many pro hunting people as anti hunting and the movie is about how it got banned but people still did it and the government didn't care to enforce the law and hunting parties carried on, some animal rights extremists take matters into their own hands.

I grew up in the country where fox hunts were a local and often thing and my personal stand on it is I'm against it, it's disgusting. Hunting in such a way is vile, hunting for food I'm less against even as a non meat eater I understand the food chain and some places people need to hunt to live. But to have an animal chased around and then mauled to death by some posh assholes dogs nopenopenopenope. So as an anti hunt person watching pro hunting people treated in the same way they do the Fox's so it was a rather conflicted feeling during this movie, getting to see what these people deserve but also feeling bad for the well written characters.

I am not pro extremist I know this is just a movie and ANY extremist movements one way or another is bad. Now I've gotten the 'it's all about me' part of this movie out of the way time for the review.

So the movie is about the youngest hunt lord in the UK and his other friends who go to Scotland to get out of the heat of the media where so many anti hunt people really hope this man gets a smack to put it lightly. Some animal extremists follow them and make a movie on what they did to these people and it goes online the movie is a re inaction of what happened to these people as they are interviewed through out.

Think of FOURTH KIND but the footage doesn't run along side each other it's more like a survivors story while actors act it out. So each character has two actors a real one who is in the interview and a fake one who acts them in the 'movie' it's abit strange but also pretty neat.

The cast is Lucas the hunt master, his best bum buddy Charlie, brother, brothers black American girlfriend and his ex girlfriend he lusts for and is planning to ask to marry him.

So they are all up in Scotland having a gay ol' time and shooting deer and what not when Liv the ex girlfriend tells Lucas she is already engaged, he has a massive huff and storms out the cottage and vanishes.

Soon they all wake up in their underwear in the middle of the hills all alone, the fear and panic grip them as they have no idea what is going on. All their reactions are different as they stumble around and freeze their bits off.

So after stumbling around like morons for a few moments soon they get shot at by the animal rights extremists and run for their lives getting to feel how so many animals have felt in the past, scared, confused and loud noises going off around them as they run in any direction. No one really gets hurt and they are simply forced to read out a speech on camera by the masked men before being left alone to go back to the cottage.

Still no sign of Lucas so the two manly men in big sweaters decide to go and find him and they see him sticking to his guns and refusing to read this out as it goes against anything he stands for, he is an icon for the hunt world and he knows he has to stand for what he believes in even if he is tortured and his life is on the line.

He doesn't budge standing strong to his convictions. But he soon folds when they get hold of the women he loves..

The plot is very basic and no one dies and for a movie called 'Blooded' there is a very noticeable lack of blood. The movie is good and gripping if you have this kind of anti hunt or pro hunt view and get sucked into it. Like I said above, I was conflicted. The movie takes a little to get going but I really enjoyed the style it was filmed in.

I thought there was some very well shot scenes and lovely scenery but a very unscary horror movie this one was. It was enjoyable but as a horror it lacked alot. No scares pretty much no blood but it was still a good movie, really felt like a documentary which I think was what it was going for so good work.

Good movie, bad horror movie.

Scares: 0/5

Gore: 1/5

Acting: 4/5

Effects: 1/5

Story: 3/5

Over all enjoyment: 4/5

XJigsawX

The Possession

So like a fly to shit a new horror movie came out and I decided I had to go and see it but hey I've seen DEVIL INSIDE so nothing can be so bad I loose faith in the genre.

 

I really wanted to see this as to me it felt very much like a 'Pandora's Box' style plot. An evil box that you open and nothing but unhappiness comes out? yeah sounds like Pandora's box to me. I don't know if this was the vibe the movie was going for or ir anyone else other then me felt that way but hey, maybe that's why I enjoyed it.

 

Oh and an evil singing box? alot like Jumanji also! This movie could have done with some Robbin Williams but everything is made better with the added comedy of that man and his gorilla chest. Anyway..

 

The review of the magical evil singing Jew box starts.

 

So there is this old lady who lives in something from a hoarders dream as there is crap everywhere, on her fireplace is a large wooden box which she seems to not like very much and to be honest the singing in an off tone would piss me off too.

 

It pisses her off so much that she grabs a hammer and is about to fuck it up when the evil box decides to pull some sweet invisible wrestling movies and power drives the old cow through a class table. Bitch don't go messing with no box's singing, mmkay?

 

We see our main family next a mother who looks like Julia Roberts plus 10 years and melting and a father who is super cool hip dad with his thick rimmed glasses who are dealing with a break up and a divorce which is outting stress on their youngest Emily and then their oldest who is just typical angsty I HATE YOU MOM pre teen. Yeah I remember no one elses names as no one else matters other then Emily.

 

So awesome dad has bought a new house and his two kids come to stay with him, they have a road trip and come across a yard sale of the son of the old woman who got the shit kicked out of her by a limbless box. The oldest reminds her father he needs plates and they stop.

 

Evil singing box decides to catch Emily's eye and she asks her dad for it. Now this is the most annoying and unrealistic thing about the whole movie.. $55 for some second hand plates, a  giant old ugly box and a hat? the fuck is he smoking paying that for some shit? I'd get some new plates for way less and save my kids soul from this shitty looking box.

 

Box means business

 

So now the girl has the box in her possesion she tries to open it but there is no way for the thing to be opened. $55 for a box that doesn't even fucking open? I'd go back to the guy who sold it to me and chuck it through his window.

 

Some how the girl is able to open it and inside is a small mirror on the lid and some cool little pots with bits and pieces inside which range from the most ghetto fab ring, a tooth and a toy or some sort and hey being an 8 year old or something a lost tooth and a blinging ring are just want you wanted!

 

She starts to complain that she doesn't feel very well, when her sister asks she simply replies 'I don't feel like myself..'

 

The movie goes from life with dad and his girls to his girls with the mother and their new douche bag dentist step father type person and how everyone is under the stress of this divorce and how it's messing up their kids lives, all that fun domestic shite.

 

Whenever with the box Emily starts to act odd, getting really over protective of the box, asking her dad on the phone how her box is doing, she doesn't want anyone to touch it..

 

Her dad ignores this until she starts acting really odd, eating really fast and stabbing him when he tries to take food off of her... man you do not get between a kid and her pancakes, your just asking for it really, if he'd lost his hand it would be his own fault.

 

One of the other odd things that happens is her reflection in the small box mirror which also gets the Dad worried about the box but nothing worries him more then when the house gets infected with loads of locus and Emily is just chilling in her room covered in them.

 

Emily starts to become withdrawn and abit of an asshole at school and when a boy takes her box she flips her shit, screams down the place and attacks the boy who took her box. Anyone who comes between Emily and her shiny new wooden best friend suffers a comical fate of being killed in a stupid way.

 

Dat hangover..

 

So dad takes the box off of her and chucks it away but by now there have been hints such as over eating, voice changing and general seeing fingers trying to come out her mouth that make you realise.. she's not the only one in her body and that spirt does not take kindly to take chucking the box away. The girl goes mental and powered by a super cranky old woman goes and finds her box.

 

So the dad realises this is wrong there is something messing with his child and he seeks help at the school he works at's history dept, finds out the box is evil anew Jewish and goes to some awesome Jew guy for help, the box is explained to be a holder for an evil spirit which is locked inside, he's given a book to help and get rid of the spirt.

 

So mother still thinks dad is crazy and takes her kid to the hospital and suddenly they notice something really...really creepy.. But don't worry now they believe the dad and Jew guy comes to save the day!

 

So replace Christian exorcism for Jewish one instead... and to me it just looks like the Jewish fella is humping the girl.. over and over.. very awkward..

 

And with some creepy and typical exorcism stuff the nasty evil Jewish lady is expelled from the little girl and hey the mother and father get back together and everything is happy! Yay!

 

Till the Jewish guy taking the evil box away is in a crash and the box is some how thrown so far from the car where anyone could pic it up..

 

Screaming squeal here.

 

So I liked it, best horror in the movies for awhile but still same old same old in the world of being possessed.

 

Acting: 2/5

Plot: 3/5

Gore: 2/5

Scares: 3/5

Overall enjoyment: 3.5/5

 

XJigsawX