Chernobyl Diaries

(2012)

 

First thing I have to stress on is how much like HOSTEL it felt at times. I am sick of how Americans view Europe. I always get the feeling that they thing alot of European countries like Amsterdam, Russia and the likes are backwater and treat them as such, I had that vibe this movie and didn't enjoy it. That's my little gripe over with, if anything it just makes America look stupid.

 

ANYWAY the plot of the movie is a couple and their female friend and the guys brother are travailing all through Europe and then the brother [I can't remember names as they are all very boring cliche stereotypes and are just meat sacks] suggests an EXTREME TOUR to where the Chernobyl disaster hit back in 1986 .

 

We then meet Uri and an Aussie couple and the guy Aussie is wearing a very shit beanie hat and the whole way through the movie I want to rip it off of his fucking head. What a dick. So Uri takes them to a check point guarded by government guards who refuse them entry and so they sneak around another way.

 

Uri stops and shows them a lake where a mutant fish is dead, manages to freak some of the tour group out and when they go we see a load of mutant fish go for dropped meat, I really wish they had put more focus on the fish since one of them falls in the water later and only comes out with a tiny bite.. he should have been savaged and eaten not just a small bite..

 

 

Once they get there they park up and look around, from the time we meet Uri the movie perks up, the creepy place and the walking around a ghost town where things happened, it's good sadly that doesn't last very long. They go into one of the buildings and almost get taken out by a bear who was just chilling.

 

When they return to their van it's been vandalised, but no one lives here right? Uri keeps trying to contact people but nothing works.Soon him and Chris.. I think he's called Chris? leave the van to go and get help but Chris comes back to the van and has been savaged.

 

German Shepard's start to try and get in the van and everyone shits themselves... They wait till day to get out and look for help...

 

Now pretty much the plot is as follows.. they just go around in a group around the town and get deeper and deeper into the radioactive places and their group gets picked off by unseen mutants... It's like THE HILLS HAVE EYES but you never see the mutants really.. it has no character no underlying humour.. no nothing.. it's a bunch of tits running around from unseen things and vanishing one by one until there is just two at the end.

 

They end up in the reactor and their skin is melting and losing their vision etc etc and then they get caught by the guards who are in hazmat suits. He gets shot and she passes out just to be taken to a 'dcotor' which is really a room full of mutants... which you see for a split second.

 

Small review as this movie is boring, relies on jump tactics where you see nothing, slow boring pacing and the only person you like gets killed at the start.

 

Boring, boring, boring.

 

Gore: 0/5

Plot: 1/5

Scares: 2/5

Acting: 1/5

Overall enjoyment: 0/5

 

XJigsawX

 

The Pact

My friend said "Lets go see The Pact!" "It'll be good!" she said "It can't be that bad" she said.

Sure, ok... not DEVIL INSIDE bad but I wanted to break out my newly bought THE WALKING DEAD issue 16 to keep me from dying of boredom when nothing 'scary' was going on. I hear it was a good movie... I think I went into a different movie.

So yeah, not as bad as DEVIL INSIDE and had a better plot then allot of supernatural movies I've seen in awhile [Woman In Black aside, that shit's awesome] so yeah shall we go into the movie I was forced to see? good, good.

(2012)

The Pact starts with a woman in her dead mothers house where she and her sister grew up and odd shit happens, allot of tension and atmosphere for sure, that was done well but every jump was easy to see, alas paint by numbers for horror once more.

So Nicole is in the house and creepy things happen wooooo and then she gets eaten by the closet cus I hear closet in houses full of shitty pro God and Jesus tat plastered over the place is bound to be full of evil right? sure!

Every time anyone was about to die or get eaten by the monster closet of shitty wallpaper and three coat hangers there would be some prick with a chello and a heavy bass sound so it sounded like the killer was a few pissed off members of an under paid orchestra who like to announce their presence like an awkward teenager trying to stand out.

So picture this.. woman walking down dark hall, things fall off walls... dark flickers as light dims and bulbs go.. cold chilling pacing.. then DOOOOOOMM! chelllllooooo I cracked up each time.. I mean what? the scary bits would have been more scary if they didn't have the same HEY SHITS GOING TO HAPPEN! cue all the freakin' time.

Maybe she was made to watch the movie too which would explain the look of utter distain and 'I'mma kill you in yo sleep' look.

So mother Nicole baaaws to her sister Annie who swears she will never ever go to that house EVER AGAIN but later goes in many, many times, way to keep up your resolve sweetheart. Her sister Nicole goes missing [The child is with a woman called Liz being baby sat or something] and Annie goes to the house and finds no trace of her sister and decides she's more then likely just fucked off which she seems to do allot of... hmm ok sounds like a great person to be a mother.

Annie stays in the spooky house and spooky shit goes on, more lights flicking, more things breaking.. including a jar of pickles and cheese! FUCKING CLOSET MONSTER EATING MY PICKLES!! ASSHOLE!

This movie was so fun to snark I died haha

So everyone goes to the mothers funeral including Liz who is looking after.. child with a name that's not important and every ones like WHERE NICOLE? sick of looking after her shitty kid. Then they decide to stay in creepy dead mothers house.

And DOOOOM chellllooooo and Liz gets eaten by the closet and Annie runs out like a mother fucker then forgets she left the child in the house.. kinda like David Cameron but unlike him she remembered in time and went and got the screaming brat.. I'd have left her to the closet. Oh and she gets chucked around by an unseen force and flung about, your average ghost shit.

From then on she looks after child and things happen in the house and she tells the police who are pretty much LOL CRAZY and make her take them to the house and due to it looking like a struggle and a nice knife chucked into the wall people start to think some things going on... that she might be to blame and she's not allowed to leave town.

Also they find a hidden room that has holes to every room in the house with neither the girls knew about.. what's going on?

She's soon haunted by dreams of this woman in a flowery dress who often comes to her as this headless body and pained looking head, her phone even gets locked onto an address which she GLOBAL searches [complete with I'm feeling lucky! and same colour/font] and see's it on GLOBAL maps. We see a creepy photo of headless lady and the plot thickens..

I'm so high right now

Annie then gets help from a very creepy out of it goth girl from high school to come to the house and see what the ef is up with it and to tell her what the ghost [headless woman] wants from her. The goth girls home seems to be full of black market shady Xbox 360 game trades..

For real.

One guy hands a shifty looking man a wad of cash for a pile of games and they both look all shifty eyed.. What are these black market Xbox dealings? and did he buy anything good? In the other room where goth girl is they are playing a really shitty FPS game.. like oldschool DOOM or something or maybe something made just for movie like GLOBAL.

So goth girl and her angry friend go to the house, Goth girl see's things and realizes the woman who was killed there blah blah back story some plot goth girl being chucked around a room and dragged about screaming, headless womens body just floating about as they do.

She gets taken away by Mr angry asshole and Annie never finds out much more.. Meanwhile the cop dealing with her case gets killed and that's the last of him, oh well no one noticed or cared..

She calls the goth girl days later and she tells Annie what to do and of course in yummy yummy cliche goodness..

NOTHING BAD COULD EVER HAPPEN RIGHT?

So she contacts dead woman who tells her she was killed.. and oh yeah something about her mother having a brother who was the JUDAS killer and the last victim was the headless woman who's in the mothers house and bugging her.. that plot thing happened somewhere but half way through I felt myself not caring and was too busy being annoyed at the asshole behind me who tipped their ice cream all over the fucking floor where I was sitting..

Rambleramble..

Brother is still alive, killed that woman, killed the copper.. been hiding under the floorboards and in this room they'd not known about, their mother had kept him hidden and safe.. He also killed Liz and Nicole.. the ghost of the killed lady was really just trying to help people by getting them out the house.. suddenly turns into adult Casper or something.

Annie also gets caught but manages to defend herself with a coat hanger, cuts herself free and shoots the horrid killer dude with help of dead chick... END OF MOVIE EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

Close up of a hole made by JUDAS killer uncle person.. and an eye appears WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Shitty The Pact 2 is what it means.

My face this movie

Scares: 3/5

Plot: 2.5/5

Acting: 2.5/5

Pacing: 3/5

Gore: 1/5

Overall enjoyment: 2/5

XJigsawX

Necromentia

[2009]

Now on the back of the DVD it says it's inspired by Clive Barkers work.. if 'inspired' means pretty much ripped off then I will agree. It reminds me of Hellraiser in so, so many ways but despite that it's still a good movie.

The plot keeps going from one focus to another every other scene almost so it's a little hard to keep up with unless your paying attention.. unlike me who is writing notes the whole way through. Ugh.

It's based on the lives of three main people. A man called Travis and his handicapped brother, a fay man called Hagen and his dead wife and a mute. But you don't see much about the mute fello till the end.

The movies entrance sequence is alot of creepy and different flashing images which really gets you interested in what the movie has to offer, it's gory and stylish and is a good taster of what's to come. Hagen, the fat guy waked up in a shitty sort of rape ally meets a Freddy Kruger pipe works area almost naked and dripping blood from his back.

Voices of a woman ring all around him and he is pretty confused as anyone would be after waking up in a small shitty alley covered in blood and a massive headache, it's like an average weekend for some students though...

We then see our first demonic being which spouts some crap at the man.

The next scene is the fat guy Hagen talking to his dead wife and giving her a bath, talking about keeping her nice and clean, how he loves her and how he is going to bring her back to life. His basement is full of odd shit and when he gets her out the bath and hooks her into some freaky contraption to test her joints or something it's very much a Frankenstienish image.

There is even an awkward scene where he speards her legs and looks up 'there' with a flash light. Yep, still dead. I have no idea why this was part of the movie but the guy looks like a massive creeper anyway so what do I know? looking at dead people's genitals might be the standard for creeps?

The woman playing dead needs to be a little more.. 'dead' acting as you could see her breathing from time to time and moving her eyelids, I'm sure playing dead is hard but it's these small things that people like me notice that takes from the hard work they had done thus far.

Next scene we have is the man working in a barbers shop and two biker-y types burst in and tell him they know about his dead wife, the baths and the necrophilia and give him the most uncomfortable shave of his life.

But one biker also tells him there is a way to bring his wife back.. they have the power to bring the dead back to life and they want to help him. Biker with shades gives him a sob story about how he was going to do this to his brother but they'd burnt the body before he had a chance.. desperate to get his wife back to life he goes with these very shady folks.

There is alot of occult themed talking and mumbo jumbo and out comes the occult books and all the gab that comes with it. I've watched enough horror to know an odd bit or two about Ouija Boards but this is a whole new concept and it's pretty neat. By carving the board into someones back you can use them to get the dead back or go into hell.

So this is how fat man ends up with a bloody back, he has a nice new cut tattoo of the occult on him.

Now we go back in time and see our next main character 'Travis' his folks are dead and he is struggling for money, skint, living in a shit hole and having to look after his mentally and physically disabled younger brother.

Now we really end up feeling sorry for Travis, seeing the struggle he's going through, coping with money issues and a brother like this. Trying his best to make a life for them both and it seems really frustrating having a brother with so many problems and doing it all alone and he has a job to try and keep at.

He leaves his brother to go off to work and leaves the TV on for him... This is where the odd part of the movie comes in, this really happy and cheerful song about suicide comes on and a really big pig character called 'Mr Skinny' comes to entertain the brother and try get him to kill himself..

Nothing like seeing a really fat man in barbwire..

We are then taken to another scene which seems a mix between a Jigsaw trap and extreme bondage as a woman is tied to a very flash but grimey looking table in all sorts of BDSM style ropes and belts while a masked figure tortures her. Alot of well done gore and realistic blood which is an awesome point of this movie, none of the gore looks fake it all looks pretty good. Some of the best I've seen if I'm honest.

We then learn that the crazy woman paid for the torture and the masked man is Travis, yes his job is torture.

Travis is also hooked on drugs and does some after his little 'job' and has what most people think is a bad trip but he meets a grey awkwardly handsome demon who keeps visiting him in his head from time to time and is trying to worn him about the bad things going on with his brother at home.

He rushes home and catches his brother before he kills himself but from then on realises he can't leave his brother alone any more... He asks another scruffy looking man, a friend to look after his brother while he goes off to maim more people for money.

Sitter falls asleep and the brother with the aid of Mr Skinny kills the friend and hangs himself.

Demon once more warns Travis to go home but it's too late, the demon then makes a trade with Travis, if he helps the demon he will get his brother back and soon Travis is taught all the occult stuff and practises on his dead friend, cutting the Ouija board into his stomach.

Soon after this the plot goes nuts and moves away from these two people and to the mute guy and how everyone's pasts all link up.

I won't go into that as it's an awesome end plot and it finishes it up really nicely and neatly.

Monster's all look like they got dropped from the Hellrasier final cut, the gore is very well done. The actors are good, the acting good, stylishly shot with the dirty grainy feel the whole movie has from start to finish.

I had no ideas what this movie would be like but it's a good one.

Plot: 4.5/5

Gore: 5/5

Acting: 4/5

Scares: 0/5

Overall enjoyment: 4.5/5

X6X Jigsaw X6X

The Woman In Black - Novel

(1983)

Not often I read something older then myself but since seeing the movie and really enjoying it I really wanted to read the novel and I was shocked to see how small the novel was, I was expecting something you could murder someone with, a big brick shaped book but it's pretty slim.

Now if you have only seen the movie you are in for a slightly different story. There are similarities in the book and the movie but it's good to not re-read the same thing as you watched.

I don't know how to review without killing the plot same with all reviews I guess haha so yes SPOILERS LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE COMING.

First biggest change it's told in first person, it's from the thoughts of Arther Kipp as he recalls his time dealing with Eel Marsh House and the horrible things that transpired there. The movie and the book both have Krekwick, Arther, Samual Daily and Mr Jermone but what happens for the most part is different. The chain of events and how it all flows are near enough the same.

He's sent from London to do a job, the people around him know why he is here and act funny about it but instead of being cold and trying to banish him from the village the Inn keeper is very kind and allows him to stay, instead of hating him and wanting him gone people treat him with an awkward kindness.

Also kids don't drop like flies in horrid ways in the book like they do the movie and Arther sees the Woman In Black in the village at Mrs Drablows funeral which never happens in the movie version. He then goes to Eel Marsh House but no one tries and stops him. Once there he also sees the Woman In Black but has a stubborn mind set to not believe in ghosts.

During his stay all manner of creeping ghostly hauntings happen to him, similar to the movie version and it's Arther's wits against the creepy and eerie land around him shut off from the rest of the countryside by the causeway which is subject to tide and how he deals with it while trying to work.

The story unfolds and we find out more about the horrid things that happened in that house and why it's so haunted. Arther gets away with nothing more then frazzled nerves and returns to London to be with his wife and new baby but soon he sees the Woman In Black and suffers an awful tragedy.

The book ends with Arther finishing his story which he never intends people to read during his life time but he hoped writing about his past would chase away the returning nightmares.

So he doesn't die we realise this from the start of the book when he has remarried and with a new family.

Now the story is still fantastic, the ghostly bits you can picture in your head everything is very well described and builds up a world. There is a bit where he is in the nursery and there is pretty much 3/4 of a page telling us in detail what is in the room.

My only really big issue with Susan Hill's writing style is she uses 'AND' a little too much it'll be something and something and something and something... Yes I've seen four ands in a row like that at one time. If you don't mind that slight display of sloppy writing then go for it.

The movie wasn't miles and miles apart just the start and end are different then in the novel.

Now I plan on seeing the theatre show and maybe this year there will be a review of that up by me!

Story: 4/5

Writing: 3/5

Enjoyment: 4/5

Over all: 5/5

A short, non taxing good old fashion ghost story.

X6XJigsawX6X