The Pact

My friend said "Lets go see The Pact!" "It'll be good!" she said "It can't be that bad" she said.

Sure, ok... not DEVIL INSIDE bad but I wanted to break out my newly bought THE WALKING DEAD issue 16 to keep me from dying of boredom when nothing 'scary' was going on. I hear it was a good movie... I think I went into a different movie.

So yeah, not as bad as DEVIL INSIDE and had a better plot then allot of supernatural movies I've seen in awhile [Woman In Black aside, that shit's awesome] so yeah shall we go into the movie I was forced to see? good, good.

(2012)

The Pact starts with a woman in her dead mothers house where she and her sister grew up and odd shit happens, allot of tension and atmosphere for sure, that was done well but every jump was easy to see, alas paint by numbers for horror once more.

So Nicole is in the house and creepy things happen wooooo and then she gets eaten by the closet cus I hear closet in houses full of shitty pro God and Jesus tat plastered over the place is bound to be full of evil right? sure!

Every time anyone was about to die or get eaten by the monster closet of shitty wallpaper and three coat hangers there would be some prick with a chello and a heavy bass sound so it sounded like the killer was a few pissed off members of an under paid orchestra who like to announce their presence like an awkward teenager trying to stand out.

So picture this.. woman walking down dark hall, things fall off walls... dark flickers as light dims and bulbs go.. cold chilling pacing.. then DOOOOOOMM! chelllllooooo I cracked up each time.. I mean what? the scary bits would have been more scary if they didn't have the same HEY SHITS GOING TO HAPPEN! cue all the freakin' time.

Maybe she was made to watch the movie too which would explain the look of utter distain and 'I'mma kill you in yo sleep' look.

So mother Nicole baaaws to her sister Annie who swears she will never ever go to that house EVER AGAIN but later goes in many, many times, way to keep up your resolve sweetheart. Her sister Nicole goes missing [The child is with a woman called Liz being baby sat or something] and Annie goes to the house and finds no trace of her sister and decides she's more then likely just fucked off which she seems to do allot of... hmm ok sounds like a great person to be a mother.

Annie stays in the spooky house and spooky shit goes on, more lights flicking, more things breaking.. including a jar of pickles and cheese! FUCKING CLOSET MONSTER EATING MY PICKLES!! ASSHOLE!

This movie was so fun to snark I died haha

So everyone goes to the mothers funeral including Liz who is looking after.. child with a name that's not important and every ones like WHERE NICOLE? sick of looking after her shitty kid. Then they decide to stay in creepy dead mothers house.

And DOOOOM chellllooooo and Liz gets eaten by the closet and Annie runs out like a mother fucker then forgets she left the child in the house.. kinda like David Cameron but unlike him she remembered in time and went and got the screaming brat.. I'd have left her to the closet. Oh and she gets chucked around by an unseen force and flung about, your average ghost shit.

From then on she looks after child and things happen in the house and she tells the police who are pretty much LOL CRAZY and make her take them to the house and due to it looking like a struggle and a nice knife chucked into the wall people start to think some things going on... that she might be to blame and she's not allowed to leave town.

Also they find a hidden room that has holes to every room in the house with neither the girls knew about.. what's going on?

She's soon haunted by dreams of this woman in a flowery dress who often comes to her as this headless body and pained looking head, her phone even gets locked onto an address which she GLOBAL searches [complete with I'm feeling lucky! and same colour/font] and see's it on GLOBAL maps. We see a creepy photo of headless lady and the plot thickens..

I'm so high right now

Annie then gets help from a very creepy out of it goth girl from high school to come to the house and see what the ef is up with it and to tell her what the ghost [headless woman] wants from her. The goth girls home seems to be full of black market shady Xbox 360 game trades..

For real.

One guy hands a shifty looking man a wad of cash for a pile of games and they both look all shifty eyed.. What are these black market Xbox dealings? and did he buy anything good? In the other room where goth girl is they are playing a really shitty FPS game.. like oldschool DOOM or something or maybe something made just for movie like GLOBAL.

So goth girl and her angry friend go to the house, Goth girl see's things and realizes the woman who was killed there blah blah back story some plot goth girl being chucked around a room and dragged about screaming, headless womens body just floating about as they do.

She gets taken away by Mr angry asshole and Annie never finds out much more.. Meanwhile the cop dealing with her case gets killed and that's the last of him, oh well no one noticed or cared..

She calls the goth girl days later and she tells Annie what to do and of course in yummy yummy cliche goodness..

NOTHING BAD COULD EVER HAPPEN RIGHT?

So she contacts dead woman who tells her she was killed.. and oh yeah something about her mother having a brother who was the JUDAS killer and the last victim was the headless woman who's in the mothers house and bugging her.. that plot thing happened somewhere but half way through I felt myself not caring and was too busy being annoyed at the asshole behind me who tipped their ice cream all over the fucking floor where I was sitting..

Rambleramble..

Brother is still alive, killed that woman, killed the copper.. been hiding under the floorboards and in this room they'd not known about, their mother had kept him hidden and safe.. He also killed Liz and Nicole.. the ghost of the killed lady was really just trying to help people by getting them out the house.. suddenly turns into adult Casper or something.

Annie also gets caught but manages to defend herself with a coat hanger, cuts herself free and shoots the horrid killer dude with help of dead chick... END OF MOVIE EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

Close up of a hole made by JUDAS killer uncle person.. and an eye appears WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Shitty The Pact 2 is what it means.

My face this movie

Scares: 3/5

Plot: 2.5/5

Acting: 2.5/5

Pacing: 3/5

Gore: 1/5

Overall enjoyment: 2/5

XJigsawX

Sonata

[2004]

Sonata is a strange, strange boring ass movie. I bought it for 75p so I don't know what I expected to be honest but maybe more then a soundtrack of strange armature background music.

So out epic journey starts with a girl in some sort of old fashion dress playing piano while her mother and three very rich middle aged people watch on in glee. The girl is Mega our main character who has a very over protective mother and has the girl home schooled.

This mother daughter relationship is hella creepy, Megan isn't allowed out the house, has a tutor, is only allowed to read what her mother writes as she is a novelist and also.. washes her mothers hair in the bath..

cough..

Her mother tucks her in to bed and tells her creepy stories of a girl who dared to betray her mother and fall in love with a man and loved herself more then her mother, which is pretty creepy but the only thing that is slightly interesting about the whole movie.

The movie is so low budget and slow I found more entrainment in drawing around my note page, I do bitching bunny rabbits and a sun wearing sun glasses, fo real. Anyway at first we think even if their relationship is very.. odd they are at least very loving.

It's clear the girl is very lonely and has to do everything for her mother from bathes to making tea to doing all the house work and never ever leaving the house or being allowed to talk to anyone.

Then the movie decides to be all 'whaky' and her mother brings home a creepy marionette type performer for her to see and understandably it freaks her out and she runs to her room which really pisses her mother off. Pisses the mum off so much that she just has to shag the creepy performer.. what.

So about half an hour in and fuck all has happened other then me being very creeped out by the horrible manikin looking man who bonked her mother..

The girl is sent to give a gift basket to a friend of her mothers and she see's a man who says nothing but looks at her, from then on odd things start to happen as the girl gets wrapped up in this mans image.

Soon Megan gets love letters from a mystery man which causes her mother to flip her shit and go mental at her girl but Megan is innocent, she's never disobeyed her mother and has never talked to this man who is sending her very deep love letters.

The mother starts to be untrusting and raids the girls diary and later decides to make her feel awful about herself, asks her if she thinks about boys.. sex.. and gets her to remove her clothes in front of her. Bad horror movie turning into some kinda freaky mental abuse story... She makes he feel bad about the way she looks leaving her to cry.

This pushes Megan into further crazy and she starts to see the man she saw at her mothers friends house all the time, half of it looks so real and half of it seems like it's all in her head, this is at least done well in the movie and makes it a little interesting.

More love letters come as well as a gift in the form of a fucking nasty china doll who is as ugly as sin. Her mother hides it away not telling Megan about it.

This movie still remaining rather boring also becomes awkward as Megan thinking more about this man who she met a split second and keeps appearing has a bath which looks like it's made from milk.. and well she masturbates while her mother listens in.

What.the.fuck.

Her mum then goes out to get drunk with her agent who becomes a dirty pedo and says all the horrid uncomfortable cliche stuff to the young Mega. He's come to 'tuck her in' and 'come sit on Uncle Alan's knee..' this makes me feel very uncomfortable as it's one of the few things I do not condone.

This horrid and awkward pedo scene goes on and he takes her first kiss. But as he leaves the house he gets what is coming to him as the man of Megan's dreams kills him. Which once again makes us wounder if he's real or a head boyfriend..

So odd things go on and soon Mega sneaks out the house all dolled up with make-up and a nice dress to spend the night with her boyfriend but when she returns and changes back into her night things her mother who's always been reading her diary confronts her, beats the crap into her and locks her into a closet where she will stay until she's learned her lesson.

The last scene is like a bitter end to a fairytale, Megan makes her mother a cup of tea and pretends all is well and like she has given up on the man she loved. Plays piano for her mother as she relaxes fort the evening but the mother doesn't know that Megan put chemicals in her tea and is planning to kill her.

As the poison takes effect on her mother she falls tot he floor, dying and crawling towards Megan who knows what has happened but doesn't care she just carries on playing piano.. untll her mother shoots her a few times.

The movie ends with mother and daughter curled up dead together on the floor.

And I feel I spent the last 90 mins watching the horror movie version of THIS

Plot: 4/5 [It was a good plot and so much could have been done with it]

Scares: 0/5

Gore: 0/5

Creepyness: 2/5

Acting: 1.5/5

Overall: 0.5/5

X6X Jigsaw X6X

Vanishing on 7th Street

[2011]

It's like PULSE and ALAN WAKE had babies that didn't make enough money so they disowned it.

I was so looking forward to this movie, I was gutted when it wasn't coming over here in our movies as I'd read about it online and seen a trailer and it looked so good. Sadly the reality of it was.. anything with John Leguizamo in it [other then Ice Age] is not going to be anything to write home about. I like the guy but I think it's through pity.

So the action gets going pretty near the start which is good for me as I hate the huge slow build ups like alot of horror movies try and do for tension, they rarely do it nicely. So anyway we see clips of people's lives before this happens and then after.

Find out where they work, tiny bits about the people they are before they band together. Seems the only person in the whole movie who is clued in is Paul and Luke where as the woman is my FAVOURITE type of post apocalypse person 'IT WAS DA WILL OF GAAAWD'

So people vanish after a city wide black out only leaving their clothes and stuff. Was it the rapture? this question gets asked in the movie time and time but I don't want to touch on the heavy hinting of 'god' stuff from the woman.

Very soon into the movie we see shadows move around in an eerie fashion, some make you up moments are put into play but the creeping shadows and the little whispers that come with them are pretty scary, granted and the effects are nicely done.

It doesn't take long for us all to realise that the evil shadows slinking around after people are the dead, the people who already got taken. This to me feels alot like the movie PULSE [Kario for original] but instead of the dead coming through an opened up wave length they are simply shadows who hate the light.

Which brings me to why this movie is also like ALAN WAKE lights and flash lights of any sort are your main weapon which is what you use in ALAN WAKE to help kill the 'taken' so to me this movie is no more then borrowed pieces from another horror hardly anyone remembers and a video game. It lost all original factor with me in pretty much 20 minutes of viewing.

And as in so many horror movies survivors band together in a vain attempt to either save themselves or to avoid dying alone. Luke who's pretty clued in says the days are getting shorter and shorter and light is fading fast. They find a small bar which has it's own generator which is always on it's way out.

We have a kid James who's mum works there but she went off to go see the light in the church, more bloody hinting at gawd stuff I feel. So yeah, they are all huddled together and Paul played by Sid the Sloth has a pretty nasty head booboo and he's still smarter then the rest.

So they SPLIT UP! when has that ever worked in anything ever? I know people in horror movies act like they have never seen a horror movie but come on at least Scobby Doo?!

So Luke and Godlady go to find medical stuff to help Paul with his head problem and all sorts of wacky shit insures! such as spotting a little girl who just runs from them all the time like the shitty brother in Silent Hill Homecoming. Bastard...

The dark shadows of death are sneaky bastards and start to trick people into fake light. This is how pretty much everyone dies, yeah don't get attached to anyone other then the kid cus hey it's still taboo to have kids killed off in anything right? so it was a safe bet from the start the two kids would be fine.

So in the end The little boy James runs off to see if his mother is in the church which she is in ghooost foooorm and causes Luke to get taken and everything they did up until now had been in vain cus he had to go and be a little whiny bitch.

Him and the girl find a horse outside the church and ride off into the sunset together with a huge ass solar powered torch which seemed to be the only form of light that worked fully in the whole fucking movie.

I know I slammed this movie pretty bad but it had it's good points on a horror level. You feel a consent sense of urgency and panic the whole way through the movie as the shadows of the dead are always there, always lurking, you can see them all the time and hear them.

The fact that every sorce of light lasts like ten seconds and always in need of fumbling in the dark to rekindle any sort of light adds to the intense feeling of ohshitohshitoshitdemshadowsgunnagetyou!

Scares: 2/5

Acting: 2/5

Gore: 0/5

Story: 3/5

Over all enjoyment: 2.5/5

I REALLY wanted to love this movie...

X6XJigsawX6X

Worst 5 Horror Movies

DAMN I have seen some bad movies in my time I even own alot of rubbish but this post is for my top/bottom worst movies I have ever seen EVER. There will be some everyone knows.. somebody knows and some.. people just clean block out.

Here we are in no real order..

Skinned Deep

2004

I blame myself for this one, I did get it for 75p this should really have been my first clue that it was so god awfully bad that and I have never heard about it. I don't know where to even start with how bad this movie is... fuck. I guess I should start by saying for a 2004 movie it had the style and budget of a late 70's early 80's B rated movie.. no idea if that was the plan or not?

The cast looks like it was the camera mans family and they had asked them to join in on the fun. I like how it was clearly meant to be a horror and the dude in the mask, the main 'evil guy' was being pegged as a new 'horror idol' but then they change their minds and are like LOL YEAH WE WERE KIDDING!!!11 no, you made a fucking awful movie and you can't back peddle fast enough.

I can't even remember this guys fucking name but I swear all the budget was pumped into his mask cus there was no sign of a budget anywhere else! the movie has OAP hells angels.. a dude with water on the brain like one of the mutants in 'The Hills Have Eyes' and a midget.. covered in flour..who..throws.. plates..

What..

I wish to GOD they'd been trollin'

Basic plot is family stop at this rest stop.. turns out to be full of nut jobs.. family dies and girl has to marry fat head... I can't remember much I tried to block it from my mind.. worse movie I've ever seen in any genre I swear. I remember head guy running around naked which I did not need to see also an OAP fights our midget in flour.

The gore.. I... words fail me it was so bad but then again this whole movie was so bad so it's fine. The ending was from what I remember this big huuuuge hunky greased up headless body who was rippling with muscles, alot of electric charge and the girl killing it some how.

My advice is just avoid. You can get a smiler enjoyment by getting a kick in the nuts.

Last Of The Living

2008

Ok, ok I know it's a horror-comedy but it was neither funny nor scary, now I do enjoy the laid back 'do we have beer?' 'yep' 'then all is well' attitude during a zombie take over and it did have a good start but it just got really boring really fast for me, I found minus the awesome accents the cast were either dull or 'trying too hard' to be a funny stereotype.

This is one of the few movies I had to turn off half way through, was just really boring. My advice if you want horror-comedy go for something like Zombie Strippers, DOG HOUSE or SEVERANCE.

Burning Bright

2010

Still hoping this one is a joke, really. Whoever thought about the plot of being trapped in a house with your retarded younger brother with a TIGER was a good plot needs the same to happen to them, really. Basically these kids live with their step father, mother is dead and the girl had saved money to put her 'speicle' brother in a home but instead their step dad spends it all on a..

TIGER

Yes, a tiger. I'd rather have gotten drunk, shagged some hookers or bought a sports care with my midlife crises but hey, buying a Tiger is cool... right?

ANYWAY, the dad buys a tiger and decides he can make LOADS of money by having is step son die. Though I am really not sure what insurance company covers killed by wild Tiger in home but sure. And he seals the house and add's his tiger.

Cue rest of the movie the girl trying to look after her ill brother while there is a tiger around and trying to avoid said tiger, it's a riot let me tell you.

This hair cut is near enough child abuse.

Good work on finding a new and different plot idea, bad work for making this movie.

House Of The Dead 2

2005

Tits, tits.. tits... zombies? Basically nothing like the arcade game, nothing related, lets move on and pretend this movie was never made [just like the piss poor voice acting in House Of The Dead 2's game]

STUCK

2007

Movie plot:

Brandi is a hard-partying, overworked, nursing assistant desperate for a promotion at the retirement home where she works. After a night of drug-binging and partying, she accidentally hits a certain Thomas Bardo a deadbeat and recently evicted man who gets stuck in the windshield of her car. Not wanting to call for help since she is driving under the influence, Brandi, chooses not to get Thomas medical help and instead drives home and leaves him clinging to his life in the windshield of her car. While Brandi frantically tries to decide what she is going to do, Thomas, tries to free himself knowing his time is running out

Which seems like a very bad and drawn out version of the urban legend that has been going around for years which can be seen here http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/bargrill.asp

The acting is poor, the movie is pretty much a write off when you think to yourself.. if he hit that man so hard he was stuck int he window? surely he would have died on impact anyway? and after that I didn't care about the movie, it wasn't the worst I'd seen but damn. BUT the guy gets his revenge in an awesome way so the ending is worth seein if nothing else and the hobo guy makes the movie.